Embrace The Mess

Not long after my youngest daughter was born, her aunt bought her a Build-A-Bear. Surely you know about Build-A-Bear. You select a stuffed animal skin and they let you put a heart in before they stuff it before your very eyes. You take the newly stuffed animal, brush it, dress it, and create its very own official birth certificate.

Say what you want about Build-A-Bear, it’s a brilliant idea and a guaranteed parent win. I have so many great memories being in that store watching my girls design and care for their newest stuffed animal. Since there is no sadness in heaven, I’m confident God will never tell me just how much money I have spent in Build-A-Bear stoes.

My daughter, who is now 14, named her bear Matt. I have no recollection of why she came up with this name, but I like it. Matt is easily the MVP of her stuffed animal collection.

After 14 years, Matt had gotten fairly thin. While I was envious of this stuffed bear for his effortless weight loss, it was clear that Matt would benefit from a re-stuffing at Build-A-Bear. I was skeptical this was a thing, but my wife knew better and Build-A-Bear confirmed this was something they do for my favorite price - FREE.

A few weeks back, we were driving through Madison, Wisconsin and stopped at a Build-A-Bear. I tried to hide my disappointment that it was merely a mall island instead of the stores we were used to, but was also grateful some places still have malls.

The Build-A-Bear technician carefully took Matt and removed his stitches and removed his old stuffing. I was able to slyly take a handful of that stuffing to randomly leave for my daughter in various places, but that has nothing to do with this story. It does give you insight into me, so take that for what it’s worth.

I was impressed with the tenacity of the technician as she made sure every last piece of stuffing was out of Matt. She was meticulous and committed. Finally, she had finished, and for the first time since 2006, Matt was once again an un-stuffed bear.

She gave my daughter the heart that was in Matt and had her do the Build-A-Bear ritual where they make a wish, and promise to love and care for their stuffed friend. I felt a little emotional watching this for the first time in years, and I will admit I stealthily took video of this precious moment.

Once the heart was back in Matt, he was stuffed with stuffing so white it was stunning compared to the grey fluff that “found” its way into my pocket. He was sewn up and we wrapped up this visit.

My daughter took a while to get used to the new version of Matt, who was far more robust than he’d been for a long time.

Now as much as I want to make a brilliant neat pastoral transition right now, we will have to settle for a messy one.

It is so easy in this life to spend our efforts being who others want us to be. I spent decades thinking I was a round peg in a square hole, while believing this was simply the life I was created to live.

I’ll bet a lot of you know how it feels to not fit.

You spend time wondering if it’s just you. You spend time confident it’s everyone else. You conform here or there just to have moments where you feel normal-ish. For some of us, this is the only life we have ever known.

In some ways, we are like Matt, allowing ourselves to get stuffed with thoughts and perceptions of ourselves that just don’t fill us the way we should be filled.

We conform, we believe the negative self-talk, we hold ourselves back.

What if we could get rid of all that messy stuffing and be filled with contentment, understanding, acceptance, and perspective? What if we could be filled in a way that leaves us robust and confident in who God has made us to be?

The past five years of my life have been a journey of embracing who God created me to be. At times, I have been like the un-stuffed version of Matt. I found myself vulnerable, dependent on the many wise people around me to speak truth, ask me the hard questions, and point me to Jesus.

I have had friends, mentors, counselors, spiritual directors. I still have these people, and they see the real me.

I hope you see the real me. You might not always like the real me. I’m fairly messy.

I have learned to embrace the mess.

I am aggressive. Impulsive. Emotional. Dramatic. I say regrettable things, and allow myself to get overwhelmed to the point that I am paralyzed to act. I act like a jerk, and sometimes I don’t even know how big of a jerk I’m being. Just ask the four women that live with me.

I am also loyal. Invested. An encourager. A problem solver. I am passionate. I have the ability to put the right things and the right people in the right places to make things work really well.

I love starting new things. Creating. I spent years thinking I wasn’t creative before I understood what it means to be created in the image of God.

I love to hear peoples’ stories. I don’t think a day goes by that I don’t communicate with someone I’ve known from another chapter of life. I value those who stay connected despite distance and changing seasons.

Perhaps most of all, I love helping people move forward. I love learning things and sharing them with people. I want to help people experience the life God created them for.

Over these years I have started to feel like the newly re-stuffed Matt. I have a new perspective, a new awareness, and my view is much cleaner than it was before. I’m still a mess, but it’s a renewed mess.

As part of embracing who God created me to be, I have some new endeavors coming your way soon.

Blog posts. A weekly coffee house review. Maybe even the return of Instagram pizza reviews.

You will hear about a podcast that I’ve been working on for a while that is just about ready to roll.

I’m doing these things because I like doing these things.

I’m doing these things because they fill me up and bring me joy.

Maybe you’ll enjoy these things. Maybe you need to do your own thing. Maybe you need to have your own Build-A-Bear experience and get the right thoughts, a better perspective, newfound confidence.

God is always at work. Literally always. Not literally like when people say literally but they mean figuratively. There is never a time when He is not working.

That means He’s working on you, in you, around you.

He’s working on the mess. He’s working in the mess.

Fitting in is overrated. Embrace the mess. Embrace your mess.

Let’s keep moving forward, one step at a time.